But I’m not allowed to say that I am not your fucking plaything and you can go fuck yourself.
I feel really shitty today.
Well not today, right now. I don’t feel very well. I have been feeling increasingly bad today. The headache is gone but the exhaustion is still here. I just…tomorrow I’m going to sleep literally until I have to get up and pee. And then I’m going back to sleep.
I just feel awful.
I’m trying to smile. I’m mad at myself too.
I’m not happy here and next year I will feel even worse.
And there’s literally nothing I can do about it but wait for it to stop.
I asked my mom if I could do gymnastics today and she didnt say no.
She said it was expensive, but she didnt say no.
I feel weird cause I’m a grown up and supposed to be away at school, but I’d like to take gymnastics.
Seeing all those girls with their legs behind their heads and their needle scales looking perfect and their fucking side tilt extensions…
I don’t want to give that up yet.
My family has started referring to Alona as the sister-in-law, or the daughter-in-law, or neice-in-law and shit.
Erin said now they can get married and have babies cause she wants a baby.
I think its funny how Alona doesn’t get a say in this.
I mean we know Seans just a job and an apartment away from proposing and she’s gonna say yes, but….
Thankfully the rest of the family told Erin to shut up and let them not be 22 before they start popping out kids.
Anyway, things go really fast. And I feel like a grown up. And its scary.
Remember the first time Sean took you in the car and you were kind of sure you were going to die that day and 13? You’re almost 19 now and its your last year being a teenager and Sean just graduated from college. Hes packing his shit, driving home for the last time.
Life is weird.
I never understood how my mom could not speak to her best friends or her close cousins.
I’m not even sad.
I’m studying.
Dragged from memory the fact that I learned today that my creative writing teacher,
though a lot of his comments are valid, is a bigoted dick.
If he likes your story, he is right. And he was being such a prick today I almost yelled/got up and left the classroom.
Love is telling someone your biggest insecurity and they pin you down to look at it and then laugh like you’re an idiot and kiss you.
Like need to get laid.
Those people destroyed my family.
This isn’t some sort of, oh they made my dad sad so I don’t like them thing, they broke my father. They broke my brother.
They are the cause for all the times my dad told me I’d be better off if he weren’t here. They are the reason I would hear my parents fight every night. The reason my dad said get me the shotgun when my he was pissed at my mom. Them, all them. Every thing was their fault and I never want to speak to any of them for that reason.
At least my wonderful grandpa will be happy to know Joe is in college.
Fucking fabulous.
